adam's Journal

Subject:	here is your war-time song
Time:	1:56 pm.

open wide your angel eyes
twice the size of your appetite
trace the outline of your lashes
paint your eyelids all with gold
and everything you use to see
won't once be used for me
i'm told i can run away now
i'll forget before too long

there was once a prophecy
handed blindly down to me
sometimes i forget what it is i'm supposed to be
but now and then appears a reason
and i'll see when its too late
then write dull words down
and pretend to cross you out

make a liar of an honest man

i paint pictures inbetween
where i cut out all those scenes
every double cross and pinky swear
on basement stairs
show your teeth, not for aggression
and let a smile passed those lips
and baby please just one more time
pretend i wasn't so full of shit

say you trusted every word i said
i wish i could say the same for you

i'll never read those words again
but i could make them up
all i need is a song to fill my ears
then i'll line them up like toy soldiers
but we know its a front
a strong, steady breeze
is all you need to bring it down
but your lips won't be moving air anymore

i breathe in familiar fumes
trying to keep this pen amused
while i wonder when my oxygen will be consumed
soon i'll pass out from exhaustion
in my closet of a room
and i'll board up the only window
and let your stage lights lead me out

maybe it was just a terrible dream
but i couldn't create someone like you

why am i trying to keep these memories of you alive?
why am i trying to keep these memories of you alive?
why am i trying to keep these memories of you alive?

so, now you're long gone
so here, is your war-time song

so, now you're long gone
so here, is your war-time song

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Subject:	as if you ever really mattered
Time:	9:23 pm.
Music:	rilo kiley-the good that won't come out of us.

what happened
what happened
what happened to you my dear?
i'm so sick
i'm so sick
i'm so sick to my stomach.
before glue could ever dry,
my heart broke
again
and again and again
until i forgot what its like
to have feelings
the blood in my fingers
its all just pins and needles
pins and needles.
needles.
thumbtacks and ice picks.
what happened
what happened
what happened to you?

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Subject:	a true show of character, i guess.
Time:	5:00 pm.
Mood:	cured.
Music:	owen.

I’m usually not one to speak out
But you’re decisions of late are, on all accounts,
Pretty fucked up
And not in a good way
And I heard about you and that Elli
If even half of it’s true
Then I’m not surprised that you’ve been kicking yourself to sleep
Oh, and who pulled who’s hair on who’s head
Well I’ll tell you that it’s told me more of you
Than you did
Well I heard about you and Elli
If even half of its true then I’m ashamed of you
And your sense of loyalty
Oh, and who found who’s hair in who’s bed?
Well I’ll tell you that it’s told me more of you
Than you did
Oh and who found who’s hair in who’s bed?
Well I’ll tell you that it’s told me more of you
Than you did

-owen "who found who's hair in who's bed?"

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Subject:	a true show of character, i guess.
Time:	4:59 pm.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:

1:26 pm.

you send me letters while in the white room
though i don't know why you're there but i know
black letters disappear from the screen
and get buried in the black

i begin to go backwards
where am i and how did i get here?
counting my steps from one ocean to the other
it was all so sudden in every way
before i knew that it happened, i became a ghost
passing through linear freeways
it was all at once, or never at all
i was never a man of great faith
but there is something unavoidable
blatantly unforeseeable yet completely undeniable
there ARE greater hands at work here

and so i fold my hands and shut my eyes
i called it all lies, yet i return
desperation i was told will make a man crazy
and so i am, i cant deny
though i never will be able to again
only absolutes and sobering truth
i lift my head and remember where i am
then i remember where you are
waiting for fresh blood to replenish poisoned veins

you told me that you never sleep
just slowly go idle
shut down all systems and stare at the wall
do you blink twice in the morning
wishing you were someone else?
or are you accepting of the circumstances
do you ever just lay your head and dream
of grand escapes and underground fallout shelters
where we can go when your numbers come calling
where i can hide you and keep you alive while i keep then away
where they cant get to you

you know i've said it before
"i'd dig you a tunnel and take you away
to a place where we will not be needing our names"
and if they follow us there, i will keep them at bay
with an army of alphabets
that take my words as commands
no i'll keep you covered and when the battle is over,
i will lay by your side singing
"baby my darling we will be just fine"
alright?

alright

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Subject:	i've been reading those med books, and i think we're ready to play doctor
Time:	1:15 pm.

i brought you my knives
and if you want, i'll make the first cut
if i said it wouldn't hurt, then i'd be a liar
but i just want to remove what's ailing you
and if it must exist outside your host,
well i'll swallow it down
with a half forced smile and apologize
i'm afraid to let you down
i'm afraid to let you go
whatever it takes, i've got what it takes
at least that's what i'll tell you
but thats the wicked truth

you brought me your death certificate
and i begged you not to sign it yet
but as those words spilled out,
the blood was dripping from your finger
and looped into elegant formations

you told me it would be alright
and you are like me,
you say that you don't lie
but i let that one slide
you knew that i wasn't fooled

so i smiled today for you
just like you asked me too
but it was hidden behind salt filled eyes
as i listened to songs i wasnt strong enough to write

what else am i to do?
everyday i'm away is another day closer
to the end of our days
you said "bare with me my baby
i just need to love something and that something is you
but you can't fall for me because you know that i'm leaving
baby i haven't got long"

who am i to say no?
i was told that everyone, everyone dies alone
i most likely will, i cannot deny
as for you, you will not
that i can say
i will and i won't try not to disappoint
i'll do whatever you ask
except for that
how can one accept love without returning it?
well i know that i can't

and you said it wouldnt hurt
but i let that one slide
i'm all ready to feel the needles
and pin open my eyes

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Subject:	honestly, thats not how i meant it
Time:	1:12 pm.

i've been sharpening my knives and sharpening my senses
creating alibis for former offenses
what i did has been done
and this has nothing to do
with me opening up to you
if honesty counts,
then it shouldn't read like a shutout
so if you want me to play dead,
i will roll right over
comparing tuesdays to thursdays
and returning unsure
but baby, you know
becoming a wordsmith is something that i'm willing to learn
but i haven't the time to create a fire from smoke
i threw out my lighters to teach me not to choke
cause you gave me your heart
and i gave you my word

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Subject:	please, throw me under the bus
Time:	1:06 pm.
Music:	paper chase.

a cross country angel
an inaudible disease
i heard that it was eating your insides out
and makes you bleed a deadly poison
so lets cut it out
i brought my knives
and if you want, i'll be the one to make the first incision
but you'll have to show me where it hurts
because i'm not sure where the stitches are supposed to go
but lets meander and just forget it for now
are you smiling?
then i guess i am too
to keep you from expiring,
well i would pull my insides out
trade my king for a pawn
give an arm for your cure
cause when it comes down
i'll keep it up so the ceilings don't fall while we make our move
trade a pen for pins and needles
cut the came words in my bones
so if it reads like shit, you can cover it up
then shut me out, and i'll sleep alone in the street tonight

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Subject:	peppermint tea
Time:	6:51 pm.
Music:	ryan adams- strawberry wine.

Listen for shadows
I can't ever see them.
By the time I’m let out,
The sun is done sinking.
I’m missing those days
When the sun still would be shining
To make it north early enough
To see her then deny it.

Most of the time,
I speak with her ghost
And leave notes by the phone
I forgot that I wrote.
Reading some old chicken scratch
On neon blue paper.
It loops and it rolls
With a decimal point chaser.

Sit at the table waiting for water to boil
To pour into ceramics
With tea named after
Some British royal.
Sweeten with honey
And a slice of a lemon.
Lord, when did I
Turn seventy seven?

Passed like blurred trees on the interstate
Get up and get over, you know it ain't too late

Cause I still remember the forest fires
Reflecting like mirrors off your blueish green iris
40 days and 40 nights since I heard the call
I’ll sit on the pier smoking
Waiting for the ship to draw near

I never tested my mind passed high school
And sometimes I worry if it has been too long
Drank all the poison and inhaled too much smoke
While my brain suffocates in the attic

Oh my! Has it been that long?
I’m getting selfish and forgetting the way.
Nobility never comes too easily
And I’m fucking with feelings I lied that I had

Oh lord, pray for my soul!
Who knows if I can still be helped?

But that's ok,
Its all-right
Honey, I’ll be just fine

That’s alright
It’s just fine
Babe I won't even try

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Subject:	magnadoodle
Time:	3:10 am.

i know i'm a fool but i'll talk anyway
anything to get a rise outta you
it may be too soon but i gotta ask you once
what's it like? confusing, we'll i could've told you that

sleepy girl, get some rest. baby sleep on the floor
the metal bars are a' achin' your spine
well i could snap back those vertebrae
if you're in need of a touch
babe i'll come get you if you need a safe place to lay

first night i came by, i drove passed your road
i didn't notice the sign on the left side
but when i turned around i saw the word above ground
and i pulled up and got nervous
i knew that i would

and its all cause i'm livin' on borrowed time
got the bookies and the hounddogs close on my mind
oh i feel so damn selfish for thinking of words
but i refrain. i know i'm lonesome
but it ain't the time to be tied

traquilizer darts fly in the air
a wrong step and you're neck gets the dose
i'll be on the floor there bleedin' if you don't pull me close
a near miss. you bet i'll soon be paying you back

they all flock down to shepard
with their friend from the hills
spill words out through 5 dollar beers
if you thought that i was drowning there,
you got me all wrong. i may be tired
but i got my lifejacket on

it's all cause i'm sleeping in a hospital room
waiting for the pharmacist to prescribe me pills
but i'm don't want to find out if anything's wrong
no one to blame. i'll take it all on my own

we're all on drugs can't handle a day
who needs those feelings when you can waste them away
burn out like candles when you don't have a wick
just give me a spark i'll get the wax lit

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Time:

8:19 pm.

lonely red roses
waiting for some kind of fool
to pick them from the stool
before the gas station closes.

been around too long
sitting out in the cold.
no roots, they grow old.
singing their silent wiltin' song.

careless young guys
driving fast down the valley.
approach their finale.
breathe in quick boys,
and close them blue eyes

can't look down to the ground.
two helium balloons.
rise up to the sky, boys.
don't you forget the sound.

sleep in sleepwalker.
did you read of the news?
ready your suit for the pews
and you just might need that walker.

walk up, sweet little lady
do you hear those footsteps?
angel stopped by to tell ya
returned to the one who made him

catch up, loving brother.
your sister's alright
saw quite a sight.
"lord knows if i'll recover"

all of the characters
hold tight one another
"give us strength, i think we all need it"
"bring end to our nightmares"
"amen." "amen"

26 minutes
you still got the time
to purchase lonely red roses
and lay them where they lied.

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Time:	7:49 pm.
Music:	bob dylan- don't think twice its alright.

lights out.
sleep in the passenger seat.
just a little more drunk than you thought.
slowly, begin to see it all.
your breath, the smoke you exhale.
the seamless line of automobiles.
go home and pray we make it safe.
cause i heard she didn't.
ma told her to be careful.
sometimes you can be careful all you want.
that don't mean when you're over your head,
you'll grow legs and swim.
some situations, well,
they're the cement in your shoes
not to be a pessimest,
it's just what i heard.
maybe you should just stay home instead.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	8:40 pm.
Music:	jtb- cat heaven.

isn't it easier to mean what you say?
to be the last one standing, yeah its not so bad.
can't really complain.
got the sun on my shoulders
and the shade on my eyes.
yeah its alright.
you can say what you mean.
i'm not one to judge.
i mean we've all got our own problems right?
lord knows i've got mine.
but i haven't folded my hands for him in years.
i might be a bad christian,
but i gotta tell ya,
i'm better than most.
got no fear of God.
just a hope that when bones turn to dust,
he'll find a place where i can rest.
lord spare me the fires.
you know this soul ain't so bad

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Subject:	i hate writing with hi lighters while on break at work
Time:	7:27 pm.
Music:	my morning jacket- rollin' back.

dare me to speak
i'd rather send out morse code.
but i'd do what i have to to appease you.

what's it like where you are?
i mean that figuratively.
but still either way,
i still would love to get to know.

speak slow and soft.
or scream at the top of your voice.
just days ago, i went deaf.
and i've always been sort of half blind.
sometimes, well most times,
i speak before i think it through.
it's just one of those things.

they say i've got A.D.D.
but i'd much rather be in disorder
than a medicated soul.

and there i go again,
telling tall tales.
if you knew my history,
you would know i'm a fool for self medication.
but the only doctor i trust is myself.

i'm always finding myself caught in a vice.
i can't ever be free.
but i'm trying my heart out to grow.
i live life over dramatically.
just like those movies i've read somewhere i should see.

i can't express myself quietly.
i have this love/hate relationship with sound.
but when it comes with melody,
there ain't nothing i love more.

And i'm not much of a singer.
more of a "poetic comedian".
i kill the feeling quick before it sinks in.
and before i know, its time to come clean.
kill it off before it becomes too real.

i'll talk to you later.
i'll see ya around.
when we meet up for something
maybe i'll fill you in.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	magic hat # 9's are the best ever
Time:	9:14 pm.
Music:	digger- quitters never win.

well i've got a story for you.
quiet now. and come a little closer.
let's see what magic i can pull.
but i could be lying.
i've told you that before, haven't i?
i can't be trusted.
no, i can't even trust myself.
i'm dying to tell you.
i'm not sure what it is yet.
just be patient.
sit back and relax.
ignore what others might say.
you can trust me. believe me.
about what i said before,
i might've lied
but i told you that before, haven't i?
put some faith in me

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	closing argument
Time:	10:33 pm.

You asked for a fight and now you’ve got it.
Your withholdings not so secret.
But you remain,
Quiet and undeterred.
Created a mess out of an earthquake.
How does it make you feel?
Proud?
Strong?
I was once strong before I lost it.
Two small girls,
Only one able to speak.
But not yet old enough to form questions.
But when these young ones are,
What will you say then?
Daddy ran and he don’t care.
Only thinks for himself alone.
You better tell them how it really went down.
Fights over cigarettes and blows to the head.
Bringing a man to madness.
Two small girls and an army of thieves.
A Jesus freak and an unholy hex.
Woman, you know its untrue.
Blood runs deep and you can’t drown out that one fact.
Pray for Satan to stand by your side.
Cause God ain’t gonna save you now

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Subject:	hear no evil
Time:	1:08 am.

counting passing fireflys
while i count time between this and my next smoke
as words blend into the back.
it may be hard to read but i'll spell it out anyway.
babe, sometimes i wonder what you're doin'.
where you are when you are gone.
just know its cause i care for you.

now the next quarter comes faster than the last.
my brain will begin to slow.
when i finally stand up,
you know i wish i was getting down with you
but oh, thats just a cover.
i mean i love getting down,
but i'd rather get lifted then
f
a
l
l
asleep

oh you can be certain
that it hurts my eyes to read
the disappearing ink that i wrote down.
the letters blend right into the background.
so won't you please change me from blue to green.
i know its like asking an atheist for a miracle
but i changed pens to better recall my words.
but now that they're easier to see,
will you run from certainty
you're my mystery

on this day, and end came by Dakota.
and for once all was quiet
in the ears of a man who died for the sound
and i hope maybe we could make some noise.

in random conversation, i hear of stories.
i wished i was deaf so the sound
would reflect of my mirrored head and out to sea.
i know it ain't none of my business
and you know i'm broke from paying attention.
seems whenever i think of flowers,
sickness blooms instead.
baby wont you take the sound away take the sound
away take the sound away take the sound away
take the sound away from my ears

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	old bones
Time:	1:03 am.

i've tried to quit over and over
but i keep falling under.
right throught the floorboards
secrets will reveal themselves.
before i knew i was back on.
getting myslef sick.
a patient suicide.
baby i aint planning on leaving now
but you know its times to get the fuck out of here.
exhale, i keep breathing smoke.
inhale whatever i can get my mitts on.
but i'm losing grip.
hands rough like sand paper.
this is what i want-
a need to need noting.
just a bed and a heater and warm cup of tea.
thaw out these old bones.
i got old and don't remember getting there.
crossed some fine lines i never should've seen.
but thats just how i roll.
i fight my hand from drawing familiar scrathes.
pink ribbon scars but they ain't on my arms
they show on other places than what i carry.
whats the meaning?
whats the story?
its just a forest fire i cannot put out.
built up walls to only look at them
get me out the this corner.
lets get the fuck out of here.
lets get the fuck out of here.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	cold bones
Time:	1:03 am.

When I sleep I have some dreams.
Some say they mean more than I can imagine.
Most times I wake up drawing blanks
Underneath sheets that don’t hold the warmth
Freezing probable prophecies before I can realize.
What am I waiting for?
And what am I searching for?
I’ve been looking so hard I might’ve lost my mind.
Lost the meaning of.
I don’t want to feel sick no more.
I don’t wanna talk no more.
Lost my tongue in a dream that made no sense.
Night comes easy but rest don’t come with it.
Eyes of fire burning.
Everything revolves around what I do not have.
I’m always fighting for breathing room.
Fighting for air
While I trap my head underneath the sheets that don’t hold the heat

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